Leaving Mormonism: The True Profit

Here’s a post from “The True Profit” at RFM:

I have been a silent lurker on [RFM] for a while now. The conversations have been interesting and compelling, so I decided to register. Before I just dive into conversations, I thought I would take the opportunity to introduce myself.

I am 30 years old, and grew up in an active Mormon family. I quit attending church around 11-12 years ago, but the seeds of my apostasy go back years before that.

It is no wonder The Church(tm) condemns even the slightest bit of questioning, doubt, or criticism. The slightest doubts easily gained traction, and snowballed as I started pondering the doctrines and points of The Church(tm) that didn’t quite make sense, or didn’t quite sit right with me. I guess the first doctrine I had a problem with was the way they quite literally demonize reason — to question is to let the Devil into your heart. Wow, that makes thinking sound SCARY!

I began to secretly scrutinize doctrines when I was pretty young. I don’t know exactly when it began, but I specifically remember having doubts when I was 12. I remember 12 so vividly because the doubts were mixed with the pre-programmed guilt I was supposed to feel because I wasn’t completely honest about my testimony to the bishop before being ordained a deacon. I bore my testimony as I was SUPPOSED to bear it – not as I actually believed. At that age, there were three specific details of The Church(tm) that bothered me: 1) the teachings about polygamy (although they revised their practices), 2) black men and the priesthood (although they revised their practices) and 3) the biggie: If the church doctrine is divinely inspired, then WHY WOULD IT CHANGE – IS GOD INDECISIVE?

I was silent about my doubts; it was just easier that way. In later years, I began attending seminary. Even though seminary is in place to reinforce the programming, it had somewhat of an opposite effect on me. It actually gave me more reasons to doubt the Book of Mormon, and now even the Bible. Beginning in my teenage years, I began developing a fascination with science, which encouraged my inquiring traits. Things I learned in the subject of science made some stories seem implausible to me:
1) The young Earth beliefs – this was inconsistent with some factual data I learned, even as a kid, and was inconsistent with one of my favorite childhood fascinations: dinosaurs.
2) Noah’s flood – Did he really fit two of EVERY LIVING THING on the ark: millions of species? What about the species that were not native to Noah’s area – did they find their way to the ark, too?
3) Jonah and the whale – Come on – REALLY?

Also, there were things I studied that did not sit well with me morally:
1) Abraham and Isaac – God asks Abraham to offer Isaac as a human sacrifice – no, He was just kidding.
2) Genocide: the Midianites, the Canaanites, and others.
3) Noah’s flood (again): God had to kill everyone in the world, including small children? What about all the animals that died, were they wicked, too?

Religious belief is built up in layers, like an onion (or an ogre), and these were the first cuts into the layer that lay below Mormonism: Christianity. Soon, I found my opinions to be more and more agnostic: I was having serious doubts about Mormonism, but sort of sat on the fence about Christianity.

Playing the part of the good Mormon boy, I continued my scripture studies, but it began having the opposite effect as my skepticism and cynicism grew. Instead of building or strengthening my testimony, I began to find more and more problems and contradictions in it.
By the time I was 17, I was pretty much a deist: I believed there was some sort of unnamed higher power, but I rejected the Judeo-Christian god. It is strange how vulnerable it feels at first, with those two onion layers removed (Mormonism and Christianity). It is as if I had to fill the void with something. I began researching and experimenting with other religious and philosophical alternatives: Eastern religions, hedonism and utilitarianism, hedonistic calculus, as well as various occult beliefs. Ultimately I rejected them all.

As an adult, I was pretty confused for a few years. Basically I fluctuated between a deist/agnostic mindset to an almost-atheist mindset. I still had an avid fascination with all things scientific. I bought many books on various topics, as well as checked out titles from my local library. Around 2003 I picked up a book at my local library that had a profound influence on my life: In Gods We Trust by Scott Atran. The content of this book does not advocate any belief, including atheism. It is strictly a scientific explanation of why people tend to look for supernatural explanations for life and the world. This was my first real introduction to the dynamics between human psychology and cultural memes, and how these cultural organizations take on a life of their own. This answered so many nagging questions I had in a very logical way. By the time I finished the last page of the book, I was a full-blown atheist.

I have written off many of my TBM extended family because they have tried to damage my relationship with my wife, and break us up. She is a never-Mo, and I think that is where their problem lies. I haven’t spoken to several extended family members in years over this. The hypocrisy is striking – They preach about the importance of family nonstop, but I know there are many instances of a TBM-family trying to interfere with a marriage to a non-Mo. I guess my family isn’t important to them because it is not going to be a Celestial Breeding Farm marriage in the Mormon Afterlife.

I have spent many of the years of my life living in Utah, but I found it difficult to deal with the difficult to deal with the ridiculous culture of Utah, so my wife and I moved to the general Chicago area about 3 years ago. It’s nice to be back in the “real” world.

I just wrote my resignation letter to make my apostasy official. It is still too early for a response. I have been non-Mo mentally for years now, but I decided it would be best for me and my family to completely disassociate with the organization that didn’t want my family to succeed.
I am getting a little long winded, so I’ll shut up for now. I look forward to participating in the discussions.

Tags: bible, Book of Mormon, ex mormon, exmormon, flood, joseph smith, LDS, Mormon, mormonism, polygamy, testimony